confused

After last night, I have so many questions and not enough answers. Answers that I can only know myself with experience. And the thing is, I'm too terrified to really bother trying to experiment. Straight? Bi? Pan-sexual? Can you really only love a person of a certain gender?

I think I need to explain more because I'm being too vague, but please bare with me and all of the question marks. 

Recently, I have come to the realization that I actually like dancing, but only after a few shots because it's the only way to get me to stop over-thinking things and not give a shit about how I look on the dance floor. And according to Sel, I actually don't look as awkward as I feel.

Dancing by myself. Not a single fuck is given. Dancing with a girl. Soooooo much more comfortable and fun. Because honestly, most interactions with the opposite species gender petrifies me. I don't know what it is about interacting with a cute guy that sends me running in the opposite direction. I like guys (at least I think I do?). I know a cute guy when I see one, but I can never bring myself to do anything about it (how do other girls do it?). How are you supposed to feel when you're dancing with a guy? When you're talking to a cute guy? Because for me, it's something very similar to riding a roller coaster at top speed that could derail at any minute and send me flying into the air, except, in reality, I have both feet on the ground. None of that cutesy shit of having butterflies in my stomach. More like the twisting agony of giving birth... I might have exaggerated just a little, but you get my point. My nerves crush me with so much anxiety that the only way I feel better is when I run away from them. Because, sadly, that's what I always do best. I run away from people.

But being around other girls is just so much more comfortable. It's familiar. I don't feel so nervous. So here's the weird thing. I danced with a guy. And it wasn't that bad. In the middle of it, I kind of freaked out though. I think it's because the idea of a guy actually being attracted to me, wanting to dance with me, freaks me out. So for a while, a comforting thought in my head that just randomly popped up was, "maybe (hopefully?) he's gay. Whew. Now I can dance normally."

And he's a really good dancer. Too good. Dancing with him, I wanted to look like this
 

But I actually felt I looked like this



All in all though, it was a fun and interesting night. I think I just need to find the courage (without the help of alcohol) to connect with people without the fear of rejection because that's probably why I stay away from guys. I need to stop living inside of my head. It gets lonely sometimes.

xoxo,

A

P.S. We're not usually this boy-crazy. I swear.