"Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand"
The moment I send that text message to you, I regretted it. Because I knew it was only going to last for tonight and why should I want something I was inevitably going to lose? Take a taste of something and want more when it will never be given to me. You were not my disposable boy. You were the one I kept wanting, returning to with hopes of spending mornings together, cuddling in bed, wrapped warmly in your arm. And the stark reality was that you always left. Rationality would tell me to move on and forget about you. Which idiot will wait for someone who always left?
But the message was sent. And I sat in my room, in the dark, waiting.
"These nights never seem to go to plan"
I planned my actions in those few minutes before I heard your footsteps outside of my door. Moments where I will have the upper hand, the scene where I was supposed to be stronger and wiser. But the knock on the door brought back the trepidation and fear. For months, we haven't been alone or talking and I was unsure and uncertain. How would you act? How would I act?
There was a slight hesitation, as I wonder if I could flee and run away from seeing you, our confrontation of meeting face to face. But that will make me a coward. And so my pride moved my feet across the room and my hands slowly unlocked the door to show your face.
The speeches I had practiced were gone and I could only look and wonder. Where have we gone wrong? How could I attempt to move on from this? You leaned forward with that same smirk on your face that hasn't changed those couple of months and whispers, "What can I do for you?"
I reached for your collar but quickly drew my hand back. Because that wasn't supposed to happen in the scenario I had imagined and practiced. We were supposed to have a conversation where I can find closure and move on. Nothing physical was supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to use you and have you use me, too. But when you leaned in and placed your lips on mine, I surrendered and my original plans were left ripped, thrown away and scattered.
"Why am I so emotional?
No, it's not a good look, gain some self-control"
I remember the glances, your hands accidentally grazing mine, the teasing that happened throughout the day that had created anticipation for tonight. You grab my hand, leading me and I follow without a single protest.
You reach for that place on my neck, then the little dip in my hip. You do it too perfectly and I'm left vulnerable and open to you. I tried to be more stoic, have more control as I tried to hold back the whimpers and gasps. But you know too much and I lost control. My hands are running through your hair, down your back and I can only give in. I feel alive again, as my feelings for you which had almost died away, suddenly becomes rekindled and burns even more intensely.
"And deep down I know this never works
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt"
But soon the intensity fades and we are left again with our mess of a relationship. The undefined lines are once again even more blurred and the awkwardness begins to creeps in. The self doubts, questions that had been lingering for the past few months kicks in and is about to pop the bubble of pleasure, content and happiness we have been in for a brief moment in time.
I reach for your hand, a feeble attempt to ask you to stay for one last night. I beg into your eyes and desperately scan your face for some sign that you feel something for me too, that what we have is tangible, real. But instead, I'm faced with your half truths and lies and I know that reality has settled in. I see you brusquely putting back on your pants, your shoes and your shirt.
You note the pleas in my gaze but accuse me of manipulating you to stay. And so I lie saying what just occurred was meaningless. And as a final say, I must throw back a retort for the sake of my pride.
"After all, what more should I have expected from you?"
And your last two sentences provide me the closure I have so yearned but the heartbreak I have so wanted to escape from.
"This is exactly what you should have expected from me."
"This won't happen again."
"This ain't love, it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me"
I lie back in bed, trying to be comforted by the warm cocoon of my blanket as we both return back to where we have started, as if what just happened a mere moment ago was a long-forgotten dream. I close my eyes, determined to hide my tears until you leave. As I wait for the long seconds to pass, I feel your lips against mine, again but knowing it was for the last time. And with the realization, I feel the urge, the desire, the need to make it last and so I hold on to you tight but you're already slipping away. I tell myself that you're a cruel person, to leave me with your name on my lips.
And you left me, in the dark with the room still lingering with "us" but quickly disappearing and evolving to the fragmented "you" and "me". But I want you to know that you didn't just left. You left with the scent of my perfume, the small marks on your neck and your tousled hair. And for tonight, I did something you couldn't do. I stayed with you.
xoxo
Blair
